Adam
Adam was lonely in the garden of Eden so he spoke to God.
"hey God, how about some company?"
"ok" said God "I will send you woman. She will be beautiful, charming and intelligent.
She will cook and clean for you and she will never argue"
"that sounds great" said Adam "but what will she cost me"
"an arm and a leg Adam"
"Oh...........What can I get for just a rib?"
Fooling around
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife
and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and
asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "No dear, not this time!"
Genie
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are walking along a beach together one day. They come across a lantern and suddenly, after giving it a bit of a clean up, a genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish,” says the genie. The American says, “I am a farmer so I want the land in America to be forever fertile.” With a blink of the genie’s eye and a ‘FOOM’, the land in America was made forever fertile for farming. The Frenchman is amazed, so he says, “I want a wall around France, so no-one can come into our precious country.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.”
The Englishman says, “Fill it up with water.”
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Insurance claim
Bloke decides he wants to have his wife topped for the insurance claim so he makes some enquiries and gets introduced to this guy called Arti.
He arranges to meet Arti in a pub and Arti tells him he only charges £1.00 to do her in. Matey can’t believe his luck and furnishes Arti with the facts that his wife shops every Thursday at the local Sainsbury`s and always wears a red coat and hat.
The following Thursday Arti attends the supermarket and hides and waits for his victim outside in the car-park. Out comes this Doris dressed in red. He grabs her around the throat and strangles her. He is about to leave the scene of the crime when another woman dressed in all red comes strolling out of the shop. Being unsure of whether or not the first woman was the guys wife he decides to play safe and strangles the second one as well.
The next day the headlines in the paper read.
"Arti chokes two for a pound at Sainsbury`s".
24 hours to live
Alma returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love with her.
Of course he agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Alma went to him again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live, maybe we could make love again?" Paul agrees and again they make love.
Later, Alma is getting into bed when she realised she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Paul's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." He agreed, then afterwards rolled over and fell asleep.
Alma, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said: "Listen Alma, I have to get up in the morning.. You don't."
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Chicken farmer
Chicken farmer decides he wants to expand his 500 roosting hens. He drives down to a nearby Cockerel farm and explains that he needed a quality Cock to service his hens.
The Cockerel farmer brings out a beautiful cock and explains that the bird is his pride and joy and that his name is Eric. How much asks the first farmer? £2000.00 is the answer he gets. After a poor attempt at bartering the farmer pays the money and takes ownership of Eric. He is duly warned that Eric is sex mad and that he needs to be kept control of for fear of burning himself out.
The first day the farmer introduces Eric to the 500 hens and there is a mass of feathers as Eric shags all 500 three times each. The farmer fearing that his investment could be at danger wakes up the early the following morning to check on Eric’s welfare and to his astonishment Eric is in the duck pond giving the ducks and geese huge portions. Frantic with worry he begs Eric to stop but to no avail.
The next day same again but this time the pheasants in a nearby cornfield are sampling Eric’s delights. The following morning the farmer is up at the crack of dawn and as he walks across the farm yard there is Eric in the middle of the yard on his back feet in the air tongue hanging out, eyes closed with a circle of buzzards hovering above him.
The farmer is devastated. He runs over and drops to his knees. He says," Eric I told you to pace yourself, I invested £2000.00 in you and look how you have ended up"!
Eric opens one of his eyes and says to the farmer, "Piss off mate, you’re scaring off the fanny"!
THE FAMOUS TALKING DOG JOKE
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt
just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a bloody liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
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The Walls of Jericho
In a little school in Ireland the teacher is taking Religious instruction. She asks little Johnny who knocked the walls of Jericho down, ha replied " I didn't miss."
The teacher was outraged and went to see the boys mother. On explaining what had happened in class the mother replied, " If my Johnny says he did not do it, he didn't."
Teacher thought I am getting nowhere with this I will go to see the boy's Father.
On arrival at the house there was the father working hard at pressing the covers on the settee drinking a bottle of Guinness. "How can I help you Miss." he asked.
The teacher patiently explained about the walls of Jericho and both John answer and his mothers response.
The father thought for a while, then stood up and putting his hand in his pocket said, " Look Miss I don't want any trouble How much will it cost to rebuild these walls."
Hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists for the NHS suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory states that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologise when wrong.
Jake and Becky
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now let the poison do it’s work."
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'THE OLD COWBOY'
An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink a young lady came and sat next to him. She turned to him and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied "Well I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said "I'm a Lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man came in and sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied " I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian."
One Cent
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?" exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money" inquires the man?
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
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Work Vs Prison
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up,
this should make things a bit more clear...
IN PRISON:- you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell;
AT WORK:- you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON:- you get three meals a day;
AT WORK:- you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON:- you get time off for good behaviour;
AT WORK:- you get rewarded for good behaviours with more work.
IN PRISON:- the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you;
AT WORK:- you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON:- you can watch TV and play games;
AT WORK:- you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON:- you get your own toilet;
AT WORK:- you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON:- they allow your family and friends to visit;
AT WORK:- you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON:- all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required;
AT WORK:- you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON:- you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out;
AT WORK:- you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON:- you must deal with sadistic wardens;
AT WORK:- they are called managers.
Shopping mall
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked,
"What's he like?" The little boy replied,
"Beer, and women with big breasts."
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Royal Bank of Scotland
The Royal Bank of Scotland is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedure for their use. Please read the procedures that apply to you, (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS.
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS.
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with the cash machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19. Re-check makeup.
20. Drive forward 2 meters.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.
25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles.
26. Release handbrake.
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Death row
There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot.
2. To be hung.
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the Guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, “What is wrong with you?”
The Irishman replied, “You guys are so stupid...I'm wearing a condom!”
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f***ing business!!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
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LITTLE BILLY ON...MATHS:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference?" Asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Taken short
Two women were walking home from a night out at the pub when they were taken short
‘Let’s go over there, behind those headstones…nobody will see us there’ said one, so off they went
The deeds were done but neither had any spare Kleenex to use as wipes
One said, ‘no problem, I’ll use my knickers’…so, off with the pants, wipe, dispose of…job done.
The other had a very expensive pair of silk pants on and didn’t want to waste them so she looked around and found a wide bow from a wreath on one of the graves…again, job done
The next day, one husband rang the other and said ‘Hey, we need to keep an eye on our wives…mine came home last night wearing no knickers’
The other one replied, ‘You think that’s bad…mine came home with a card slotted between the cheeks of her ass which said “From all the lads at the fire station….we’ll not forget you”!!
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it
is idling smoothly.
she says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Doctors mobile
A doctors mobile rings at 3 in the morning, sleepily he answers: "Hello".
"Dr, it's Mrs Bloggs" screams a frantic woman, "our baby has just swallowed a condom"!
The Dr, now totally awake, informs the woman to take here baby straight to the hospital and he'll meet her there. He dashes out of bed, gets dressed in 2 minutes, rushes out to his car and is just about to start the engine when his mobile rings: "Hello" says the doc, "Dr," replies Mrs Bloggs, "don't worry, we've found another"!
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Black eye
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened.
It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'.
Blue suit
An old lady is in a mortuary beside her recently dead husband to whom she had been married for 55 years. The mortuary attendant could see how upset she was and tried to comfort her.
The old lady said "I'm really upset, my husband had always wanted to be buried in a blue suit and I've had to lay him out in this old black suit, I can't afford to buy a new blue suit" The assistant looks on sympathetically and says "look I can't promise anything but come back tomorrow and I'll see what I can do".
The next morning the old lady appears ant there's her hubby lying there in a lovely blue suit. She is over the moon and thanks the assistant for granting her dead husbands wishes. "It was nothing" he says, "you wouldn't believe it, but just after you'd left yesterday another old lady came in with her recently dead hubby who was laid out in a blue suit, she told me he'd always wanted to be buried in a black suit. Well after that is was simply a case of swapping heads, and hey presto!"
Blind man
A blind man walks into a bar (bet that hurt!) he goes to the bar and gets a drink.
He then asks out loudly if any one want to hear a blonde joke.
There is a deathly silence and he hears this female voice.
Voice: Before you tell that joke I would just point out that this is an all female bar. The person who served your beer is the owner a Blonde, the girl to your left is a woman's middleweight boxing champion and Blonde. The woman to your right is a British weightlifting champion and Blonde. Me I am the European female kickboxing champion and Blonde. Do you really want to tell that Blonde joke?.
After a short pause the blind man said:
"Nah, not if I've got to explain it 4 times"
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Christmas Stamps
A woman walks into the Post Office in Canada and asks for 50 Christmas Stamps.
The clerk behind the counter asks "What Denomination please"
The woman sigh and says " My God has it come to that"
"I'll have 10 Protestant, 10 Catholic, 10 Buddhist, 10 Baptist and 10 Muslim.
Genie's lamp
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope . . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So . . . What'll it be?”
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.” The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.” The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for. A good mate.”
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that map!”
Jim and Mary
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with
her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."
Jim replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."
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Speeding
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for exceeding the speed limit.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, mate.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back-up.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Inspector approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Inspector: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers. (The driver owned the car)
Inspector: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box)
Inspector: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. (Boot is opened - no body)
Inspector: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: That's quite some imagination he's got there; I'll bet he told you I was speeding, as well.
Stand And Deliver
A bloke keeps ringing me and singing “Stand And Deliver” down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.
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Men are like...
Coffee - The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Adverts - You can't believe a word they say.
Computers - Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Cool Boxes - Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Copiers - You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Bananas - The older they get, the less firm they are.
Bank Accounts - Without a lot of money, they don't generate interest
Bike helmets - Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.
Snowstorms - You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
Used Cars - Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Vacations - They never seem to be long enough.
Government bonds - They take so long to mature.
High heels - They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Weather - Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Curling irons - They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Lawn Mowers - If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Lava lamps - Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Mascara - They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Mini skirts - If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Noodles - They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or bathroom.
Placemats - They only show up when there's food on the table.
Q&A
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Blonde ransom
There was a blonde woman who was having
financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.
Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's
jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning she returned to the park
to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note:
"Here is your money, you bitch, I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
Deep thoughts!
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
"Clones are people two."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older,
then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
Mousetrap
After years of toil the inventor of a new mousetrap finally gets to show his invention to a leading pest control firm. "This trap will sell you millions!" insists the inventor. "It consists of a tiny box, a razorblade and some cheese. The mouse enters the box, leans over the razorblade to eat the cheese and boom! Head Off". "I like it" says the boss, "but it needs a sawing motion to ensure the head is severed- you'll have to re-design it"
A month later the inventor returns. "I don't understand" says the boss "it's exactly the same but with no cheese!"
"Too right" replies the inventor, "the mouse walks in, leans over the razorblade and shakes his head, saying; "where's the cheese?"
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Parrot
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken in there do?"
Blanket
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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Man U
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.
Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.
Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
Leeds United
Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.
Q: What's the difference between a Pyromaniac and Leeds football club?
A: A Pyromaniac wouldn't throw away all his matches!
Q: What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170
A: Elland road every other Saturday.
Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone from Leeds?
A: It saves time
Q: What do you call a Leeds fan in a 2 bed roomed Semi?
A: A burglar
Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing? A: It's five past three.
Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with many girlfriends? A: A Shepherd
Q: What did Lee Bowyer say when he took a girl out for the night?
A: Fancy an Indian?
Q: What do you call 20 Leeds fans sky-diving? A: Diarrhoea
Q: What have General Pinochet and Leeds United have in common?
A: They both round people up into football stadiums and torture them.
Elland Road Boss Peter Risdale has sacked David Leary and employed a new Chinese manager.
His name: Win One Soon
Q: What do you say to a Leeds United fan with a job?
A: Can I have a Big Mac please!
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Justice!!
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big knuckle dragger comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big knuckle dragger knocks him down AGAIN and says,
"That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big knuckle dragger and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Homebase".
Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
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Ferrari
A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it ... you're going to s**t yourself when you hear the price."
NBC sports commentators
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I
saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother
and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of
the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Manager
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
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If you are going to fly just listen to what you are being told?????
For those who have flown at least once.....
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make
the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. But here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported.
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."
3. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only four ways out of this airplane."
4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 261 to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt,
insert
the metal tab into the buckle and pull it tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite.
9. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."
11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults
acting like children."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault... it was the ASphalt!"
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it.After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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Things you would like to say if only you could remember them!!! to people who think they're clever.
01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Coffee
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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More thoughts
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A guy goes into the baker's shop:
"Can I have a white, sliced loaf please?"
"Sorry" says the baker "I've only got brown"
"That's Ok" says the guy "I've got me bike outside"
Good News Britain has won Two Gold medals in the Olympics White water rafting section Two men from Cornwall won it in a transit van.
What is "SEX" in Ballymoney?
Teatime!
In Ballymena they get coal in them.
There's two ducks, flying over Belfast.
One says to the other:
"Quack"
The other says:
"I'm flying as 'Quack' as I can"
Divorce court
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
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Drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
Cannibals
And then there were 2 Cannibals who captured a Clown and cooked him.
When eating him one said to the other, "Does this taste FUNNY to you"?
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